-- A blog maintained by a pessimistic over-confident High-School kid.

Saturday, December 29, 2018

Wasting time

Like any of the previous holidays, it all starts with me just being hyped out on what I could do during this awesome chunk of free time that I am going to have. I could finally grind art or type hours upon hours of code without caring about my grades or homework. It is the one thing that I looked forward to that always ends up with me just wasting most of that "awesome" time. When it is during the school year, I always blame the amount of homework that I have for the lack of creative stuff that I do during this time, but when the time comes and I am blessed with a month-long holiday, I end up trashing it to pieces with my marvelous ability to just waste time. For someone that is not that interested in games and can hardly spend more than 2 hours in front of a computer screen playing games, you might think that I would be very productive. But the reality is that I also have a very dumb ability to stare at pictures after pictures of meaningless frames of videos. You see, the reason that I am not that found of video games is that you need to constantly use your brain in order to win, and if you don't win, the game isn't fun. So, when playing games, you are faced with a dilemma, either you want to win and sacrifice your brain during your free time, or you lose every game while being brainless. In both cases, they are not ideal for me. With that in mind, I also don't like doing actual stuff during free time, because, they, same as the backbone of winning anything is that you need to use your brain. For me, I don't want to use my brain. If my brain is enough to supply me the consciousness of breathing and maintaining my heartbeat, I have no further problem with it. Ultimately, my desire to become a brainless being ends with two big obstacles: boredom, and guilt.

Although when you go brainless to stare at a moving canvas of frames after frames of pictures does allow time to pass by relatively quickly, and sometimes too quickly, this repetition of motionless brain-dead action would become boring after a short while(one and a half full week). And because of this boredom of youtube and movies finally hit me, I now am stuck with nothing to do while being limited to activities that don't require my brain to fire neurons at all. To me a month ago, this would be the easiest task in the whole entire universe, but to me now is a downright difficult task. I've tried sleeping the whole day through, watching basketball games, reading basketball analysis while having no interest in it at all, watching 4 movies a day, and forcing myself to play losing games. All the things that you could think of that allowed my brain to be asleep had been tried by me. Hell, I even tried doing low-quality art to kill time itself. Btw, it only succeeds for 2 hours and I'm back to square one. While not using your brain might be an easy task, to keep yourself entertained in parallel with that is harder than being focused during class.

I've just gone to cut my hair because it is too distracting. That may be the single most productive thing I had done the whole week.

As I said, the second obstacle to the whole not using your brain equation is that you will feel quilt always. When you go mindlessly during a video, your brain has so less to process that the things that you could be doing come up to your brain seamlessly. There is just no way to ignore the fact that you had planned yourself an eventful holiday ahead of time and now is watching youtube 24/7. While even more youtube and videos would solve the problem periodically, the guilt returns when you go to sleep. While I look up at total darkness in my room, I start thinking about how I had done nothing besides eating that day. I start hating myself at night and setting a 7 am alarm for the next day just for me to sleep till 1 pm and have the cycle repeat itself. This all sounds like it is a routine of a jobless dude in a wasteland that somehow got a phone to access youtube, but it is happening on me. I just cannot accept myself being like that, and at the same time, I am also continuing my stupid acts. To be unproductive is very satisfying at first, but after any sort of self-reflection, I am faced with my own frustration that although is very easy to overcome, is not ever overcomed. It's just stupid.    I am stupid. and this blog post is stupid.

But anyways, I am posting this to hopefully end this herocious act of my own and actually do something useful for my last week of holiday. I am most likely to just fall back into that never-ending cycle, but as any cliche hero would be, I am hopeful for my hopeless future holi-days.

Only thing I did during the winter break, and 99% of this is acutally did during the school year

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