-- A blog maintained by a pessimistic over-confident High-School kid.

Monday, February 3, 2020

The extent of being Diligent

Lately, I have been slacking off every day. My excuse to this is that I am in a constant effort of being more social. While being more social may be fun and relaxing, it is also very time-consuming. The time I usually I have to myself is now non-existent, and it is all spent on being active. Last semester, I handled this by sleeping less and my integrity was kept by the amount of homework. But this semester, homework load is very little and I find myself not working as hard. I still pay attention in class and do everything with care, but the difference is that I do nothing extra anymore. While last semester me would stay up late to one o'clock just because I didn't preview the next days material, I would give up homework that is not due on the next day this semester. My goal that I work towards each day is only to finish homework and nothing more. This whole new attitude of mine resulted in my recent lower grades.

While I am more relaxed and just sort of happier this semester, I have put off my duties of studying as a student. But at the same time, if you would ask me whether I had worked hard during this period, I would answer with a very firm yes. I had been working non-stop when I'm not socializing. After I go home, I go straight to my room and start working through my papers like a machine. The only discounted fact is that I go home around 6 and start working around 8. That only leaves me 4 hours of work assuming that I sleep at 12. If I would have gone home early, that leaves me an additional 5 hours each day. This situation reminds me of how I always used to hear people say that they had worked their ass off despite average grades, and I had never understood how their hard-work translated to their result. Now, I see that while people could work to 12 or even later each day, it is the extra details of their choice on what they want to do. While socializing and studying doesn't make a totally opposite, managing the healthy balance between the two could be said as a craft. It comes down to the age-long question of how to balance work and life. One doesn't mean the guaranteed destruction of the other, and we have to be careful in making sure we do not neglect either one.

In the past, I do not see any value in socializing, and that takes me to work on myself and enjoying my time always. It allowed me to have those extra hours compared with others that hang out each day. This way of living is not problematic, but it sure makes it more monotonic. It deprives you of the skill of understanding others genuinely. While you could help others with their work with the more introverted lifestyle, you would not be likely to be a source of relaxing outlet among friends, but rather of pure assistance. I find myself unable to integrate myself into groups, and there is always a notion of my "superiority" floating around. I find most the topics all go around to all places, but seldom skip the stop of what I can do. This of respecting one's "talents" isn't inorganic in conversations, and in fact, it mostly takes turns between different people's ability. But when it is always that one person's ability, the same cannot be said. And for my period of observing, this problem originates in the lack of my praise for others. With my mentality of just focusing on myself when working on my skills, I become unappreciative of what other's can do. When I am working on a skill of mine, I always disregard what the top of the mountain is. There will always be a person better than you, and someone that's worse. There is no point in being bumped out because someone can do something better. I see this of being not competitive, and it is a beneficial quality for self-growth. The American education system is built around hiding the ranking of people, and where you are placed. It is proven to encourage people more. I had just wandered off to justifying my mentality for my work, I digress. Back to where I lack in conversations, I found that I littlely mention others' strengths and congratulate them of what they can do. Normally, this is a natural thing to bring up, and it is very helpful in making people feel great. But through my lack of socializing (excuse), this is one of the many attributes of mine that makes me speechless, awkward during conversations. While other catalyze communication, I deprive atmospheres of it. For me, I have a need to analyze the situations during conversations to chime in and make an impact.

This blog had gone from my perspective of individuals' hard work to me reflecting on one of the reasons of why I'm unhealthy in conversations. To all these conditions, I just need to keep being aware and reflect upon myself. This blog is quite unorganized without a central point nor a thesis. It's just there and it's published because I haven't posted for a while. The problem of me right now is that I am not appreciative of others and that I now spend a little bit too much time socializing and I have to be working during times of communicating.

Trying to learn from end game's framing timing and aesthetic,
 remade couple seconds from the movie

for thumbnail, i'm still to lazy to code my own blog site