-- A blog maintained by a pessimistic over-confident High-School kid.

Saturday, December 19, 2020

25 Reasons Why

Whenever someone approaches me with a bad idea and want my help with it, I ask them to provide 10 reasons to why they want to pursue it. The intention is to justify that idea either way: to solidify or dismantle it. Although this is an adequate way to evaluate efforts, it had always been a double standard that I impose, in that I don't do this to myself. And even when I do, I do so very loosely. But status quo are meant to be broken, so here I am after being deferred by MIT.

This is not unexpected, but there was such a concrete feeling of hope before MIT release their decisions. Things in the past set anchors, and there are little to no ways to revert those anchor points. What I can do now is to see what directions I had taken in the past, and learn which directions to avoid in the future.

I had re-read my blog for at least 25 times for the last 4 months, and it is only fair that I provide 25 reasons why I wasn't prolific enough. And as you can't tell from the introductory paragraphs, this post is going to be cringe. If you still want to open this paradora box of mine, you can select some text on the page and click ctrl+A and see the list.

I'm aware that I drew this a while back, but I'm
out of artworks again :(

  1. Not having "outsourced credibility", of not winning competitions or high scores on standardized tests
  2. not being social enough, of not joining clubs, contributing as a group
  3. Displaced confidence, of believing that I can trust in my introverted ways
  4. not being a leader, of succumbing to what peers suggest
  5. not asserting my viewpoint (when I see things going south, I don't speak up, I just let things play out) [Because sometimes it is me that is wrong, and the situation was actually going perfectly north without any problems]
  6. distractions; although these distractions made me more social, it was not the most effective way
  7. second-guessing what others think of me; although this normally result in self-deprecation, for me, I became a little too confident
  8. ~maybe, allowing myself to enter "dream state"; this one is vague, only I know what it means
  9. too focused on internal worth; Although I think I am somewhat competent, it is within my thoughts, and not in regards to my outputs
  10. not enough competition; I have concluded that competition is bad, but it doesn't rule out the overpowering energy one can assert on tasks
  11. not taking action; although I code relatively a lot, for the previous half a year, I have been trying to identify problems instead
  12. not adjust to society's standard; it's no use being Einstein, if your discoveries and inventions only exists in your head. There's need to display, humans are social animals
  13. ~maybe, speedstor | 0x(2)12192259; ?of ambition?
  14. being too deterministic; As much as I admire Meursault, he ends up in prison, not in MIT. 
  15. being too "elevated"; While not caring and living by what I need is quite nice, there is a lack of motivation in result. I know I money is just a construct, I know what my scores represent in the long run, I know what being employed means in the long run. But applying those understanding in high-school life is ineffective.
  16. not defining a short-term purpose; yeah, saving humanity is nice, but that will not give you a single molecule of endorphin within your whole lifetime
  17. criticizing others in meaningless ways; yeah, others don't get the big picture, of how one sentence said aloud can change the course of history, but what's the use seeing that far into the future, what the hell, me?
  18. too much abstraction in my thinking; Although simplifying what worked into temporary "facts" is helpful in thinking in the big picture, those "facts" aren't facts, but only hollow structures
  19. are my priorities scuffed? ; I put writing an irresistible blog post topic over anything in life. I justify that it is adjusting my thinking, which has a multiplying effect. But as a student, shouldn't "grades" be the first priority
  20. headless confidence; "aim for the stars, you will at least land on the moon", but am I aiming too high
  21. hobbies; can i really justify playing basketball everyday because it's healthy, and saxophone because "music is what makes us human"?
  22. youtube; everything special about me somewhat originate from youtube; coding, basketball, revisiting saxophone, my love for computer, music, etc. But am I watching it too much?
  23. not reading enough; I only really read during March to June each year. But reading is like the boost pads in games, and I am actively dodging them. Reading is the single fastest way to improve, and I am not reading enough.
  24. allowing laziness; when I seemingly have "too much" to do, instead of trying my hardest to fit everything in, I choose things to be lazy on, and bulk my attention on my priorities
  25. comparing myself with "gods"; Listening to George Hotz and thinking "I can relate" may be the most arrogant thing ever. I'm one-a-thousandth of him, and while others maybe one-a-three-thousandth of him, it does not mean I am anywhere near him. He coded for ~30 years, while I coded for 3. I need to know my place.

I still have much much more to learn, and I always forget that. I am relatively professional at my areas, but the key word is "relatively". Adjust the focus just a little bit out, and I'm below average. I must push the gas pedal a little harder.

Thursday, December 3, 2020

Narcissism - Displaced confidence

Where am I? In that, the question is how competent am I really? I am aware of all the effects I have contributed, both the positive and negative, and part of me is content. I have been trying to find pieces of puzzles that would define the purpose of living, and although I have found many reasons against the end, I have not found many compelling reasons for the contrary. Not having enough sleep although has its effect, was not the core of the problem. I lack a purpose and a goal to look towards. The purpose that I have derived for myself was once fulfilled with short-term contributions and distractions, but those outlets have been decreasing in quantity, and I've derailed. Without a purpose, I've been caring less about the consequences, and have ignored structures that were previously in place. I have been feeling instead of doing. Dropping agendas, while disappointing masses. Lifting hopes, just to drop them from a higher place. For all the positives, it also each attaches with a counter. I had hidden behind my cult of personality, and people all around have bought into it. Some are more aware than the others, but they are supporting a hollow Trojan horse that will not deliver. I understand the trend of mine, and I agree, but momentum isn't the same across all mediums. Zoom in, and the reality sinks in. I'm one of the past fails, do what you will. Without a purpose, I focus on my past, and I am content. Re-reading and re-reading, looking into the mirror with that became-hollow structure. I'm derailed, and I'm not the one, but nor can I communicate. For all that I said, I've became an audience of my own. Thinking I'm pressing skip, while I'm just ignoring the truth. I have achieved some, and part of me is content. I see hints of my doings, and part of me is content. See hints of my toxicity, but part of me relent. "Not Today", I agree. Find a better one, I've already did. Welcome, "Anathema", or so an ever tense pump.

Beauty I see, but better off without me.

"No one plan to lose"1, and I have surely laid out the plan for my victory. I have my ceremony all figured out weeks before the results are out. Now that the answer is a week away, my success seem slim.

1: im_a_squid_kid

I just don't have an answer



Not meant to be solved; you can try, but gl