|Just keep hammering at it--|
|Just keep hammering at it--|
Whenever someone approaches me with a bad idea and want my help with it, I ask them to provide 10 reasons to why they want to pursue it. The intention is to justify that idea either way: to solidify or dismantle it. Although this is an adequate way to evaluate efforts, it had always been a double standard that I impose, in that I don't do this to myself. And even when I do, I do so very loosely. But status quo are meant to be broken, so here I am after being deferred by MIT.
This is not unexpected, but there was such a concrete feeling of hope before MIT release their decisions. Things in the past set anchors, and there are little to no ways to revert those anchor points. What I can do now is to see what directions I had taken in the past, and learn which directions to avoid in the future.
I had re-read my blog for at least 25 times for the last 4 months, and it is only fair that I provide 25 reasons why I wasn't prolific enough. And as you can't tell from the introductory paragraphs, this post is going to be cringe. If you still want to open this paradora box of mine, you can select some text on the page and click ctrl+A and see the list.
|I'm aware that I drew this a while back, but I'm|
out of artworks again :(
Where am I? In that, the question is how competent am I really? I am aware of all the effects I have contributed, both the positive and negative, and part of me is content. I have been trying to find pieces of puzzles that would define the purpose of living, and although I have found many reasons against the end, I have not found many compelling reasons for the contrary. Not having enough sleep although has its effect, was not the core of the problem. I lack a purpose and a goal to look towards. The purpose that I have derived for myself was once fulfilled with short-term contributions and distractions, but those outlets have been decreasing in quantity, and I've derailed. Without a purpose, I've been caring less about the consequences, and have ignored structures that were previously in place. I have been feeling instead of doing. Dropping agendas, while disappointing masses. Lifting hopes, just to drop them from a higher place. For all the positives, it also each attaches with a counter. I had hidden behind my cult of personality, and people all around have bought into it. Some are more aware than the others, but they are supporting a hollow Trojan horse that will not deliver. I understand the trend of mine, and I agree, but momentum isn't the same across all mediums. Zoom in, and the reality sinks in. I'm one of the past fails, do what you will. Without a purpose, I focus on my past, and I am content. Re-reading and re-reading, looking into the mirror with that became-hollow structure. I'm derailed, and I'm not the one, but nor can I communicate. For all that I said, I've became an audience of my own. Thinking I'm pressing skip, while I'm just ignoring the truth. I have achieved some, and part of me is content. I see hints of my doings, and part of me is content. See hints of my toxicity, but part of me relent. "Not Today", I agree. Find a better one, I've already did. Welcome, "Anathema", or so an ever tense pump.
Beauty I see, but better off without me.
"No one plan to lose"1, and I have surely laid out the plan for my victory. I have my ceremony all figured out weeks before the results are out. Now that the answer is a week away, my success seem slim.
I just don't have an answer
*Comments in hindsight: While I still agree with what I have written, a new perspective I am considering is "We don't trade lives, captain". While deciding both ways against the virus is, to a certain extent, playing God. Not giving up on any individual no matter the cost is a commendable action, not that I have any credibility. (just sharing my thoughts)
"Better to be safe than sorry", I think this mindset sums up a lot about the forefront of our society. Through our experience with disasters and genocides, we have developed caution and counter-measures to deal with potential accidents. These measures that aim to prevent recurrences include airport security, buildings' resistance to natural disasters, and lately, the topic of this post, quarantine. The former two listed are done to prevent the 1% or even 0.1%, and we strive to use them to provide people as much safety as we possibly can. And while saving any human life is worth a million, practicalists such as Elon Musk are less concerned about that 1%, and instead are more interested in multiplying the current state by 2 or 3 times. Elon Musk had famously addressed the artificially boosted fatality of the Coronavirus, and while he still thinks social distancing is essential in lowering the risks, he believes that it should not come at the cost of disrupting the economy.
1: I’m not American, but for the sake of fluency, I will use “our”
2: If there’s inflation, I would be positive that it isn’t because of the printing of money by the US
3: This number is in the US alone, at the time of writing, which is 11/27. The “precise” number is 240,213
4: 331,000,000[US population] x (6.9%[oct unemployment] - 3.5%[feb unemployment]) = 11,254,000 (statista.com)
|A picture for my website that I didn't have time to color in|
|I finished the redesign of my website. Now, I cross|
my fingers for the wish of having colleges see it and be impressed by it
Through my attempts at "enlightenment" and trying to understand the world, I came to an insight where because objects of our creation are only the combination of smaller objects, the hard-work could be saved when one understands the essentials of the desired product. An essay could be hashed out without attention to detail if the right words are used. There are only so many ways to convey an idea and only so many words you could use. Describing a character's emotion differs little in conditions of varying detail: "His heart tinkles" and "He felt something special" have little change, and I thought I could cheat the system by just consciously assuming the desired output. While you could come to the quality of the first one by actually paying attention and deliberately trying, you could also arrive to it just by strategically using it, skipping the effort (it is just words at the end of the day). Attention to detail takes time and effort, while my fantasized method takes less, saving time for my coding, drawing, etc. But this theory of mine is false, and it took me 2 months to realize.
Just the passing Wednesday, I took a math test on course material I already learned 2 years ago, and I skipped the efforts of reviewing as I was confident in my abilities. But it is my lack of heart and attention that led to careless mistakes as a result. During the test, I was aware of my lack of review, so I quadruple checked (not exaggerating) my answers upon submission. My answers turned out to be perfect, but I skipped over the conventions that the teacher wanted. This is arguably unavoidable without heart and attention put into the subject class. My hypothesis of effectively skipping the effort was rejected. But I persisted, I thought it was the teacher's fault of not announcing and explaining his intentions beforehand.
But examples of the failure in my shortcuts keep resurfacing. A similar thing happened when I took a test in Biology. I was once again confident in my abilities as I understood the core concepts of the chapter quite well in my own assessment. I romanticized my ability to translate my understanding into words. As a result, I did badly on the test. Even with hindsight, I would argue that I understood everything on the test perfectly, but it is once again my unfamiliarity with the conventions and words that made my downfall. My shortcut was to purely use my understanding to deal with the test, and it failed in response to my lack of attention to detail. I skipped over essential parts and vocabs that, with effort, I would not have otherwise.
The final nail in the coffin is the submission of my English homework. This relates to the example I gave in the introduction, where my words reflected the lack of heart and effort in my answers. I thought with all the blog posts I have written and all the constantly debating inner-dialogues within my head, my literacy would excel. But at the end of the day, it still comes true again that my lack of attention resulted in grammar mistakes and misused words.
My belief in shortcuts comes from how professionals could churn out masterpieces with little effort. I thought the magical brilliance I somehow displayed last year was an indication that I have achieved a level that I am not in. My "brilliance" was the product of my hard work and not because of some genius attribute of mine. I fell down into this rabbit hole of using confidence to mask my shortcomings, and it had finally hit rock bottom. Things are always better late than never, and this concludes the enjoyment of the time I "saved" for the last 2 months. I have to go back to my last year's self (effort-wise) and do my due diligence. And might I add that from my experience of last year, it truly feels like torture1 to work with that much effort. The only thing merry about it was the looking back of the products of my efforts, and I guess I have no choice but to go back into that state. While Elon Musk's efforts trump mine by light-years, he said, "I do not regret not enjoying my life (for the things [I] achieved)", and I have to follow his lead and do the things necessary.
If time could not be cheated out of existing agendas, the only way out is to occupy more of my free time, as much of a torture1 it is. The future always awaits us, and our decisions set anchors into the past. My fantasy of being unworldly efficient in my work has to come to an end, and whether I am able to resume my constant streams of effort leaves unanswered in the future.
|This is a super rough sketch because it was for hw.|
I guess there are still things that I could take shortcuts with,
I just have to not make it a habit.
After a good night's sleep (~3 hours), I conclude that I just have to always have humility, no matter the situation. I guess that it was just that my programming ego took over me, cuz throughout the past year, people had 100% trust in my programming skills, however false that is.
1: Okay, it's not torture per se. It is just that I was writing this blog post 3 in the morning, and everything is dark when you are tired, lol. How torturous can high school be?
A program too big without structure. I am currently programming a tcp packet builder to collect data about its efficiency. While the project is easy in itself, I haven't exercise good programming etiquette, and everything is a mess. In addition to the new environment of structure-oriented programming in contrast to the familiar object and functional programming, I am new to the language and am no more than a blind man set in a new place. I had no idea how to structure my C program to be modular, and now, my program is too big to be changed. I can only endure my way through or start over, and I would more leaning towards the former. WELP. I had an idea for a blog titled "Follow your Heart: the ups and downs". But I have to get back to work, ahh.