-- A blog maintained by a pessimistic over-confident High-School kid.

Thursday, December 3, 2020

Narcissism - Displaced confidence

Where am I? In that, the question is how competent am I really? I am aware of all the effects I have contributed, both the positive and negative, and part of me is content. I have been trying to find pieces of puzzles that would define the purpose of living, and although I have found many reasons against the end, I have not found many compelling reasons for the contrary. Not having enough sleep although has its effect, was not the core of the problem. I lack a purpose and a goal to look towards. The purpose that I have derived for myself was once fulfilled with short-term contributions and distractions, but those outlets have been decreasing in quantity, and I've derailed. Without a purpose, I've been caring less about the consequences, and have ignored structures that were previously in place. I have been feeling instead of doing. Dropping agendas, while disappointing masses. Lifting hopes, just to drop them from a higher place. For all the positives, it also each attaches with a counter. I had hidden behind my cult of personality, and people all around have bought into it. Some are more aware than the others, but they are supporting a hollow Trojan horse that will not deliver. I understand the trend of mine, and I agree, but momentum isn't the same across all mediums. Zoom in, and the reality sinks in. I'm one of the past fails, do what you will. Without a purpose, I focus on my past, and I am content. Re-reading and re-reading, looking into the mirror with that became-hollow structure. I'm derailed, and I'm not the one, but nor can I communicate. For all that I said, I've became an audience of my own. Thinking I'm pressing skip, while I'm just ignoring the truth. I have achieved some, and part of me is content. I see hints of my doings, and part of me is content. See hints of my toxicity, but part of me relent. "Not Today", I agree. Find a better one, I've already did. Welcome, "Anathema", or so an ever tense pump.

Beauty I see, but better off without me.

"No one plan to lose"1, and I have surely laid out the plan for my victory. I have my ceremony all figured out weeks before the results are out. Now that the answer is a week away, my success seem slim.

1: im_a_squid_kid

I just don't have an answer



Not meant to be solved; you can try, but gl

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